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[ . Beauty In The Broken . ]
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| I just read that... |
[Mar. 3rd, 2007|09:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Matt has left 30 Seconds to Mars.
I feel like i've been stabbed. Over and over again.
I can't even see what im typing properly.
='( I love you Mattie. We'll miss you too much. |
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| Oh man... |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|10:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
Jesus, my head is going to fucking explode! It just hit me within the half hour i got home and i feel like a sloppy lump of poo on the floor. I swear, i'm going to vomit my brains out my nose.
*groans*
Whatever. Love you all. Take care of yourselves!!
p.s - Shane from The L Word is hot. Thank youtube for that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|10:15 am] |
*continues to do the happy dance*
*Stops doing the happy dance*
It got a bit sad to watch. Not that I was doing it for real... but whatever. *shifty eyes* Don't judge me. You're all just as crazy. Admit it!!!
Anyways, the reason for that embarassing scenario was because I have some news!
I quit my job. I put in my one week notice this morning and IM FREE IN 4 DAYS!!!!
*sigh*
Feels good. I feel like a 45 year old weight named Seyhan has been lifted from my shoulders.
Much love to you all! Talk to you tonight!!! (and im sorry i didnt reply Helen. My computer hasn't been good to me. =[ ) |
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| *does the happy dance* |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|10:05 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | CHAIR | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
*continues to do the happy dance*
*Stops doing the happy dance*
It got a bit sad to watch. Not that I was doing it for real... but whatever. *shifty eyes* Don't judge me. You're all just as crazy. Admit it!!!
Anyways, the reason for that embarassing scenario was because I have some news!
I quit my job. I put in my one week notice this morning and IM FREE IN 4 DAYS!!!!
*sigh*
Feels good. I feel like a 45 year old weight named Seyhan has been lifted from my shoulders.
Much love to you all! Talk to you tonight!!!
p.s- Im sorry Helen! My computer died just before i could reply to your reply. lol, sounds odd. But I will talk to you soon! |
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| Fuck it all. |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|10:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Mum got booked for running a red light by mistake.
We don't even have enough money for food right now... or rent. And now this.
It's bullshit. Every time we're finally comfortabe we're kicked back down to zero.
It's unfair. This is just fucking torture.
Whatever. We must have done something in our past lives to deserve this. It's still fucked. We're had enough crying and struggling to last two lifetimes..
Much love. I hope everyone is having a wonderful night/day. |
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| Buh-Bye!! |
[Jan. 6th, 2007|09:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
So i'm not going to be on here for 2 days and a bit becaus ei'm sleeping over my best friend's house! *mental freakout* I'm so excited! I haven't seen her in a few months, and her family is incredible so it's a plusplusplusplus + 1!
Take care everyone, i love you all!
I'm going to have tons to catch up on. Crap.
Much love!
Always,
T. |
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| Shopping Spree!!!!!!!! (oh, oh and !!) |
[Jan. 6th, 2007|04:03 pm] |
Today, my wonderful Nannig and Mama took me shopping. This is the first time in a very, very long time - probably bit more than 6 months - we have actually bought so many clothes in one shot. Usually it's difficult enough to buy one shirt alone, this time my Nannig just wen't crazy with her money and bought me so much. I feel spoiled, i don't like it. So much attantion! *hides behind spread fingers* But i feel eternally greatful. This was something i needed.
What did i get you ask? I shall tell you, my darlings. First, we bought a red and white striped top that ends where my crotch is legs start. It's got a printed Ribbon right in the middle. So cool! Normally i'd never get something like that!
The second item was also a top - it's black and white striped and has a sort of ripple-stitched-to-look-like-a-string-was-pulled kind of back. I really like that one, you can wear a top under it and just look sporty and spunky. (Haven't used the word spunky is forever).
Next we bought a vest-type thing. You botton the front, and its sort of short so that the top you wear under it shows. best part? It's red. Actually coloured. I barely have colours in my wardrobe! So *squee*.
Then we bought... wait for it... BLACK jeans!! I've wanted black jeans for such a long time, i just never said a single word about it because i knew there was no way we could get a pair without stuggling with anything else. So the minute my eyes lay upon them, i basically flew over to the racks and hugged them, whispering words of love and promise... Not exactly like that though. I'm no cartoon. Anwyays - i got a size 9 and they were the slightest bit tight but the lady said they'll strewtch just a bit and after the first couple of times you wear them - which i was very happy with because the blue pair i have used to be perfect and now they're super loose. When i realised they were $45 i put them back, but secretly my Nannig bought them anyway. I almost cried because i was so happy.
Then we bought this other stiped top (i have too many of those now that i think about it), it's a really nice dark-ish blue and white, there is writing on it but i dont remember what it says. Very nice. but if you lift your arms, you kind of freak out because the top under it can slip up over your d boobs - i didn't realise thats how it was designed, so i'm a bit worried.
So, that might not seem like much to anyone else, but to be it's like i just bought enough to last me for months. All i feel now is a good pair of boots. The type those poople in the army wear, i absolutely love them. I'd wear them with skinny jeans. I don't want nay more heels, so flat, manly, kick-you-in-the-teeth boots would be the best. Ever. In the history of good things. And maybe i'll shut up now. Indeed...
I love you all. I hope you're all well!!
And sorry if there any any typos in here. I was just really excited to type this. And now i sound like a little girl on speed. Le sigh.
Much love!
Always,
Tara. |
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| The Day After... |
[Jan. 1st, 2007|07:32 am] |
It’s 7:19am right now and I haven’t had a blink of sleep since yesterday at 10:30am. My eyes are starting to burn like they always do when I stay up for more than 48 hours, but it hasn’t even been that long yet to I’m going to start timing myself to see if I can beat my record. I’m a bit of a maniac when it comes to beating my own records. One of these days my brain and heart are going to co crazy on me, scream their lungs out (of they have their own sets of lungs, LoL!) and collapse. But until that day I’ll keep doing what I’m doing!
Everyone else is asleep peacefully in their beds (and bed sounds really good to me right now!) and I’m sitting here eating Crunchy Nut and Bananas to keep up my energy because I’m waiting for a movie to start that I haven’t watched in years and years! And I’m going to quickly go and re-fill my bowl because there is more of the milk and bananas than there is of the actual Crunchy Nut. *rolls eyes*
MMmmmmmmm…
I have to admit that this New Year was the most boring we’ve ever had. Usually we have a feast at my Nannig’s house (and I mean feast! You drool at the sight of all that food… guh…), but just as the countdown started – 3, 2, 1 – I got a phone call and it was Mark from Adelaide! I swear, it was such an awesome surprise! I couldn’t stop laughing! But it was really, really loud where he was so we decided to keep out talks about hand Sized Donkeys and Pink shirts to a minimum and catch up a bit later when it was quieter. I called Mariam and then Jess to say Happy New Year as well and I didn’t realise how much I really missed them until I heard their voices. Jess’s Dad (Chris, a.k.a Daddy Nicholls) was feeling left out because all the cars on the road were beeping and he wasn’t in his car so he was walking around going “beep, beep, beep, beep!” it this alien-ish voice, Lol!
Ahh… And then after my grandparents went home Mum, Robby and I went for a drive for no real reason, just to waste time, and ended up stopping for ice cream (you can imagine how happy I was!!). It turned out to be a really great night. And now the sun is fully up, it even sprinkled a bit! But no Raindow. *is sad*
Anyways!! I don’t know what else to write right now, so I won’t bother.
Hope everyone had an incredible night!
Much love!
Always,
T.
- Over and Out - |
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| I wanted to say... |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|04:12 pm] |
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!
I hope you all have an incredible night and an even better new year. For anyone who is going out, please be careful. I dont want to hear that one of you had a few too much to drink and decided to play a game of "let's dodge the moving cars!" lol. Seriously.
I love you all, talk later!!
Much love,
Always,
T.
- Over and Out - |
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| War of my Brain. |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|11:46 pm] |
I’m going to make an effort to write on LJ more often. I haven’t been writing in my journal in bed like I used to and I figure maybe that’s why I’m getting so emotional all the time.
Today wasn’t so great. Actually, only the end of the day was bad for about 20 minutes but it was bad enough to cover for the whole day. All that happened was that my Nannig (pronounced Nah-nig, meaning Grandma) bought me two new tops to wear for New Year. One was bright pink – the second I saw it I cringed. The other was printed with blue and white Zebra-like stripes and had a sort of frill down where the buttons were and was made to look wrinkled on purpose.
I walked inside after I was told to try them on and I didn’t have the heart to say I didn’t like either shirt to my Nannig’s face, so I put on a smile and went to my room. Inside, I felt like dying. I knew if I told her how I felt about them her face would drop and all her excitement would be replaced with regret, which it always does, and I knew if I kept it to myself I’d end up wasting her money and have a couple new items sitting in my wardrobe for a billion years. So which would I choose?
I ended up stomping back into the kitchen and “modelling” the clothes. What I didn’t realise is when I feel a certain way it also shows on my face about 1000 times worse. So you can imagine how terrible I must have looked. And it wasn’t because I didn’t like the clothes, no! It was because I was confused about how I was going to tell my Nannig! I hate disappointing her, I rarely ever do, I just didn’t know what I was going to say. And I know she meant well, she always has in everything she has ever done for us.
I ended up being a real jerk. Like, a real fucking bitch. I huffed and kept my hands at my sides and just didn’t respond to anything they said with kindness. I just got so frustrated at the war going on inside my head that I took it out on the one person who didn’t deserve it most.
I went to my room angry at myself. I threw my pillows everywhere and tried really hard not to cry like a fucking sook. Then I heard Mama’s footsteps and I knew there would be a fight - our first one in a month and a bit. There was a screaming match, I told her exactly how I felt and she told me I was being unreasonable and had managed to make my own Nannig feel like shit. So when she stomped out I bawled. Choked. Hiccuped. Whatever. But I cried and that’s all I know.
I felt worse when my Mama came back and smiled at me and tried to comfort me. So I cried more. I was trapped in that pink shirt because it gave no slack for me to take it off and I felt like I was suffocating. I think it was payback for calling it ugly. And after I cried and basically drenched my Mama’s shoulder, I felt a bit better because I knew mum was right and it made me feel good to know she came back to help me recuperate after my breakdown.
So, in fact, things weren’t so bad after that. My Nannig and Mama asked if I wanted to eat with them and I said okay and couldn’t really look either woman in the eye for a good half hour. And when I finally did I cried a bit more and apologized greatly. And tnen we talked about the News and what had been happening to our friend’s daughter in New Zealand and acted as if none of the earlier drama had ever happened. And now I’m typing this and my Nannig and Mama are behind me talking about complete crap, Lol.
That felt good to get out. Le sigh I could have put it more detail but really, i don't want to cry all over again =P. All of that was too serious, how annoying. Next time it’ll be brighter, I promise.
Anyways, I hope everyone has a great night/day (wherever you all are) and I’ll be back tomorrow.
Eckses and Ohs. *giggle*
Much love!
Always,
T.
- Over and Out - |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 30 Seconds to Mars- Saviour | ] |
And again the bordom sucks me in. *shakes fist at bordom*
I guess i don't know what to type... i mean i do, but i don't know how to type it. I've been doing that a lot lately... i don;t exactly kno how to explain it but at the same time i do. I'd think about something and then i'd link it to something related to it, and thenbreak it down into as many little parts as i can and link it to something new, think about that for about half an hour and then link it to something new. But the time i've linked the first thought up to the last one i don't remember what my first thought was. Annoying to think about because i always wish i knew what i was thinking about in the begining.
Meh- i dunno. I'm really bummed right now. I've been really bummed out for along time. I'm a highschool drop-out with no job, no money, no boyfriend, no social life, nothing to do and too much to think about. I didn't want it to be like this and hopefully this interview with the FunkyMonkey recruitments Agency goes will because i can honestly see myself doing well there. I might have sucked ass on the interview part of it but i'm so damn lucky Anne let me have a second chance becasue she knows it's my first real interview for a job and i was so nervous. Good woman she was.
I don't know what to type now...
So i wont.
Goodnight. |
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| BRACE FACE! |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|01:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Singing Brace Face with my bro | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The wonderful music that is Tara&Robby- shitty vocal tunes! | ] |
Ah, and now i'm totally jealous of my little brother. I know it's a bit soon for another entry, but he just got home and now has a nice shiny set of braces! Lucky bastard ^^ I'm happy for him! And now we're singing! And he's lisping more then before!
*shuts self up* |
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| Embarrassing first time chuck-up! |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|12:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 30 Seconds to Mars- Buddha for Mary | ] |
Helloo tharr! *hands flowers to everyone*
I've got so much to type but I’m not going to bother with everything... otherwise it'd forever to read- (I talk like a machine, imagine how I type!)
On Friday, Jess (my best friend ever) threw a party at her house for me. I hadn't seen any of my friends for over two months and it honestly killed me. She managed to get the okay from Shannon, Krystal and Amy out of nine of them which was a shitty turn up seeing as I was told everyone would be there. What can you do, huh?
At about three in the morning, all of us were shit-faced and cracking up, stumbling all over the place and saying things we’ve always meant to say and never had the guts to. Jess’s brother figured out how much we’d been drinking and only smiled through his disapproval of it. He did the same thing when he was younger then me so he knew he’d be a hypocrite, although if he did try to top us I would have listened because he’s been there, done that.
Three cans of Bourbon, two bottles of Smirnoff Ice and one and ¼ beers later, I had my first drunken puke all over Jess’s shed carpet. Chris (Jess’s brother, who I had a major crush on) handed me a cup of orange juice, (and said “you have a cool squiggly straw to go with the cup!”) telling me it’ll make things better. As I was drinking it my stomach flipped again and I puked all over the grass outside the shed and began to sob uncontrollably. It was the most embarrassed I’d felt in a long time, especially since I’m the type of person who has a lot of control over things like that. Everyone kept telling me, “everyone goes through it at least once in their lives, don’t worry” and Chris hauled me up onto my feet and helped me into the house with Jess. I’m very glad Chris and I are as close as we are because I don’t think I could have moved without his help.
Julie, (Jess’s mum) sitting in the dining room, had no idea what was going on as Jess and I passed by trying so hard not to laugh as we attempted to act sober, failing miserably after stumbling into her bedroom and crashed over the chair. I’m surprised the noise didn’t alarm her mum since we stayed utterly silent, absolutely terrified by the thought of getting caught.
When we realized no one was coming to check on us, in our giddy and drunken states, we tried our best to avoid falling over anything else that may have been lying around and changed me into my PJ’s as calm as we could. Of course that proved to be harder then we thought because I tripped over my own shoe, dragging Jess down onto the floor with me.
Ten minutes of head spins and maniac hysterical laughing later, I had finally crawled into Jess’s bed and curled up into her black and red checkered blanket. My head began to spin uncontrollably within seconds and jess played ‘mummy dearest’ by kissing my on the forehead and saying goodnight. As I said, I’ve never had that feeling before- not that bad at least- so I asked her to stay for a while. I soon passed out to the feeling of fingers stoking my hair.
I woke up with the worst headache I’ve ever experienced in my life, even worse then when you fall onto the concrete really hard and land on the back of your head- you know those? God, I hate those. Luckily it didn’t last that long, maybe a couple hours. I’d slept on my back and woke up in the same position, my neck had gone stiff and so had my arms. Turning to my side I smiled when I saw Jess ad Krystal had set up a bed beside me and were sleeping soundly, (of course, they also woke up with major hangovers, and naturally I laughed at them while pointing my finger…because it’s me)
Ten minutes later we were all out of bed and getting ready for breakfast and pain-killers. Unfortunately, our decision on breakfast wasn’t the smartest but we were all still hungry after the long and hectic night we had- Kebabs! Actually it wasn’t all that bad for me because I grew up eating a lot of Lebanese food… and that would make a lot of sense because I am Lebanese lol! *shakes head* I can be so obvious sometimes.
Last I heard, after I left both Amy and Krystal had chucked up everything they’d eaten because I was too strong for their stomachs to handle.
Even now I feel very embarrassed for myself. I’m not the type of person who will normally let myself go as I did but I guess I needed to let it all out. I haven’t felt this emotional for over four years and back then I changed for the worst because of it, I don’t want to change like that again. I just don’t want to let anyone in, just like before. Maybe that’s the reason why I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone, why I’ve never had a boyfriend or even a first kiss… it’s hopeless and pathetic, and I truly hate that I’m so scared and anti-social because of my past. Fuck, I’m only 17 and I feel this way. I just get angry thinking about it.
So I just blabbered about one night that lead up to the stupidity that was four years ago… *rolls eyes* Will defiantly have more to type when I have more time, maybe soething less annoying to read about.
Love to all.
Tara. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|02:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home, bored, aloooone. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  determined to finish my sandwi | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 30 Seconds To Mars- A Modern Myth | ] |
Decided to update at last!
I've been reading a ton a fics, and honestly it's getting hard to keep up with ^^
Alot of people disagree with something that i've done. In year 11 we only have three terms to go through, then it's straight on to year 12 before the end of the year. I'm obviously in my second term, and when i recieved my report i felt like a complete failure. I'm only passing one subject to the fullet, i'm coming first out of all seventy-seven people in English, but that alone wont do anything for me. From thursday on, i will officially be signing out of school. There are way too many distractions. too many eviction notices for my family too deal with, too many problems, too many complications, and add school to a bunch of crap like that and it's bound to drive me insane. I don't think many people actually know.
My plan is to get a full time job somewhere, save up money to go to Tafe, and possibly do my HSC some time later. I have six months head start then other girls do.
When i told the other girls, it was totally unexpected. I had given them one days notice, they didn't think i'd actually leave, and yesterday killed me. They all cried, even Jess, who's never let me see her cry before. Mariam Cried more then any one. I even cried, dammit! But i'm not dying so i'll visit as often as possible, i didn;t realise how much i cared.
I'm suprosed i'm in such a good mood, i'm bored, and tired, but in a good mood lol.
Finally got accepted into the 30stm_slash community, and i'm reading a fic that i've only read 7 chapters of so far, there are about 21 or something. It's called 'Star Struck' i think.
THIS IS LONG! I didn't think i would type this much so quickly, not today anyway... bleh.
I'm gonna stop now, got alot to catch up on.
LOVE TO ALL! |
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| Woot, catchup!! |
[May. 20th, 2006|11:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Thinking too much!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Panic! at the Disco- i write sins not trageties. | ] |
Alright, i don't know why i really do this lol.
I haven't added any friends just yet, but i have an idea of a few people i will add soon =D
Two of my close friends who are together got beaten bloody a few weeks back, both of them are sick to death of being bean up all the time, and are actually thinking of moving states where people don't know them. I'll miss those two so much. Frank said he won't be calling as often as he used to, but Henry said he would try his best to call.
I wanted to cry like a little baby when i heard Henry went to hospital that way, and i actually cried when i heard Frank tried to save him but ended up getting a worse beating then Henry. I honestly wish those boys would have better luck, i find it disgusting that fuckwit homophobes are always around them, hurting them, scaring them. They haven't done much outside the house for a while because they are freaked out because of the many beatings they have copped, even when thearen't holding hands or giving each other a kiss. it's like those bastards have a 'find-frank-and-henry-and beat-the-shit-out-of-them' radar!
Anyways, on a lighter note, i passed my Year 11 Mid-course exams for English!!! I was told i got the highest marks in my level, and holy shit i had a flip out because of it. This is the second time i've come first in English, and i feel so damn proud. Can you imagine what mark i could have had if i had studied? I'm so glad i actually listened and did all my work, i'm loving the topic of books and poetry, it's my favourtie topic to study.
Every Wednesday at 12:10am, i watch a show called "the L word" and fuck i love it!!
And I love Queer as Folk aswell. Both those shows are amazing. They are waht got me into slash so badly. It almost the only thing i read lately, apart from a few random sotries i might search for.
ANYWAYS- ima go, it's getting late... not really, i'll be up for a long time after this but still. I'm still sick and i have to try and sleep.
xoxo!
Love to all! |
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| First entry =] |
[May. 6th, 2006|09:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home =] | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fall Out Boy- Dance, dance. | ] |
HEY!
Well, this is my first entry on my LJ account!
I've actually been following some stuff on here for about two years now.
Mostly, i've been viewing a community dedicated to mcr slash. I'll join them soon if i can, but if not then damn... it's really good, i've cried to many stories posted there lol. Can't wait to start commenting on peoples writing and visiting profiles!
I don't have much to say, i'm going through a tough time right now trying to figure something out, but i'll update some time soon.
Off to check out some of the things you all have on here =D
until next time,
xoxo.
Tara. |
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true_deathstare's journal
ECSTATIC!!!!
Starting to get tired. Le sigh
I haven't eaten all day!!!!!
exhausted